I'm going to go out on a limb here and say *most* babies are cute. Not all babies are cute even though as a society we have to coo and aww at the little ones even when we are secretly saying in our minds "For the love of god put that thing back in, its clearly not done cooking..."
I am a very lucky mama in that I have 2 kids who are just plain cute. I have a Collin; he is my squishy, and I have a Gemma who is my little bean. Collin will be seven in a few weeks and I can't believe how much time has passed. Gemma is 9 months old and is hilarious. Both were(are) adorable babies and both were absolutely worth completely ruining my body for life for.
I was never a super skinny girl. Even before I got pregnant with Collin I was in the 280's but back then I had a waist! I had a little tiny waist and even though I was at 280, I carried my weight in all the right ways. I was still incredibly self conscious about my body though. I never felt better about my body than when I was pregnant because I had a reason to be big - I was carrying a child, people! After Collin was born though... things just didn't bounce back. Ever. I was resigned to waddling around - looking like I was 8 months pregnant even though my baby was almost a year old. I was resigned to buying the.largest.size that the store carried to cover myself up. "Do you carry this in a size circus tent?" I had resigned myself to the fact that I was a heavy mama and it was awful. I gave up.
I gave up like so many of us do after we have kids. They change us. Of the people who have not had children, many of them don't understand the toll it takes on our bodies. Mental health aside (because it takes a strong woman to have a baby and keep her sanity) our lives no longer center around us, they are now focused on this itty bitty thing that depends on us for every little thing. Our routines are shot, our sleeping patterns are out the window and our bodies? Pft. It's like Flubber went rage-binging at the jelly belly factory.
We've all seen the mom standing in a bikini with her three young and impressionable young boys at her feet with her perfect body and her perfect hair and her tagline "What's your excuse?" If you haven't, it's pretty maddening, for sure. As if her lifestyle is the perfect life style for all of us. As if that type of BS body shaming is supposed to motivate us when it does quite the opposite. I don't know about the rest of you but I have been putting my time and my love into my kids and not into myself. I'm really happy for her that she has it all figured out and can balance her 8 hour job, her 2 hour work out routine, her 8 hour sleep and her full time being there for her boys - maybe the rest of us aren't as clued in as she is? Or maybe she's a crazy fitness nut who is trying to impose her radical lifestyle on the rest of us fat (normal) people.
Its been a struggle for me, as it is for many moms out there to balance loving your kids and loving yourself. I don't think it makes us selfish to take a few minutes a day for just us. Society has this crazy double standard for us now days - where helicopter parenting is the norm. You can't leave your kid in the cart at the grocery store checkout for even a second while you run to grab some mayonnaise really quick without some snarky old hag giving you the stink eye. They expect that baby to be attached to your hip but are all too quick to show you on every magazine cover out there how you don't stack up. They love to show you how inadequate you are. Give your 100% to your kids but you also have to look like Beyoncé. I don't understand it and I 100% reject it.
The honest truth is that I have no idea what I am doing when it comes to being a mom. 98% of the time I am completely winging it but I HAVE to find some time to make a healthier me. Not to fit into a mold. Not to look like Beyoncé. Not to shame all of the other moms who are doing their best to try and figure it out. I have to because if I don't, my kids will grow up just like me. If I don't, I won't be around to help them through life (although lets be honest here, there are going to be a fair many years where we will want to END their lives... ahh teenagers...) If I don't, I won't be able to grow with them - instead I'll be watching them live from the side lines unable to participate because of the pain my weight has put me in.
We can't do any of that though until we start loving ourselves enough to infest in ourselves. It's a hard lesson. It's a painful lesson. Like the birth of our children, 100% worth it.
327.6
12.4 lbs down. Mountains to go.
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